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If you have ever felt as if you were doing things to please other people, or to make them happy or to improve you career you likely were doing it to get positive responses (or positive strokes). We all want positive interactions with people but we learn early on that most of the positive responses we get from people are based on what we DO, not on who we ARE.

This makes us susceptible to being controlled and manipulated. A well-known example are "people pleasers." I order to avoid conflict or to gain positive interactions we do what we think will make the other person happy rather than what we want to to. Usually, we get this from our parents when we are young. Our parents love us for who we are, not for what we do. But, as we get older even our parents can be controlling and withhold positive strokes unless we do the things they want.

Step 1 - Give yourself unconditional positive strokes. Genuinely compliment yourself for who you are as a person, for your innate and inherent characteristics such as honesty, loyalty, integrity, etc. Do this everyday, several times a day.

Step 2 - give others genuine unconditional positive strokes for who they are. Not for what they have accomplished or what they look like or how much money they have, but for being a "good" person, friend or co-worker.

Step 3 - ask for positive responses from others. This can be risky and feel awkward, but it is important to be valued for who you are and to ask for this from people who you genuinely feel respect for.