The instant Lee passed away in that crash, a switch within me that, I didn’t even know I had, was switched on and I can’t seem to switch it off: Autopilot. I imagine that word just got Lee’s attention. I’ll take it. I want him to know how I feel. But this isn’t the sort of autopilot that Lee would have loved to have in his plane; Rather, it’s the sort that allowed me to get back on the ground when my heart was crushed and my mind was panicking. It’s the autopilot that allowed me to pick up the phone when an official called to ask what happened to my friend. It’s gets me out of bed. It has me doing all of the things I need to do when, in my mind, I am not there. My mind has been trying to make sense of loosing a friend, even though there is no sense to be made. Simultaneously, my thoughts are with Erika, Blue, Scout, Dawn, Gail, and Larry. I’ve been feeling numb (for lack of better words), like the way a shot of lidocaine work. I could move, but I couldn’t feel. I’ve heard the cries and seen the tears - inside I’ve been shaking like the ground before a volcano erupts - but this autopilot prevented the emotional response that was necessary to shutdown my robotic behavior.

Last Monday, 5 news stations came to interview Clint and I. They asked “how’d you know Lee?” “What sort’s of aircraft did he fly?” and “What was he like?” I answered their questions knowing that the words I spoke would never amount the man that we all knew him to be. I was exhausted from the questions and the pressure that was building in my body up until that point. The last reporter arrived that evening as the sun was setting. The lady seemed like an authentic human, something I considered unusual for a reporter. She didn’t search her mind for the question that would get the best answer for their viewers. Rather, She listened. And I was appreciating it. Towards the end of the interview, there was a pause. From the look in her sympathetic eyes, I imagine she could sense what I was feeling. She then asked me the question that I hadn’t realized I needed to be asked. She said, “If Lee were here right now, what would you tell him?”

I felt a rush of emotions, and an urgency to tell Lee what I felt he needed to know, as if I only had one split moment to say it before he was gone again. I cried, “I love you! Everyone buddy loves you! You were the best daddy and husband.” And then I told him that I was sorry.

I suddenly became aware that the reporter lady was there. She softly said, “I wasn’t recording. I just wanted to know for myself.” I think asked for me.

I felt better after that. At least in that moment. Everything that I urgently wanted him to know were things that he knew all day everyday. He felt all of our love for him up until that very last moment. I know this from the sparkle in his eye and the glow in his face when I’d seem him for the last time shortly before we took off. It was always there and it never went away.

This is what I want you to know for now, but I look forward to sharing the many memories that I shared with Lee for the rest of our lives. To blu and scout, I’ll apologize in advance for eventually becoming that old man who tells you the same stories over and over.



Thank you to all of the Patrons who've helped me share the adventure!   / anthonyvella