#digitaldetox #addiction #socialmedia

I can’t even remember who first introduced me to you, but boy did I fall head over heels. You opened the whole world for me, showed me places I’d never seen before, shared stories, read me poems. But even more, you made me see myself in a way I’d never done before. You allowed me to express myself, and I felt liked, loved even. You helped me reconnect with my friends, my family in a completely new way. Not because you did anything special, but because you listened, you truly listened, and you never forgot a single detail, a single birthday, or special occasion. You were always there, always ready to go. You made my life the best it could possibly be, and I could, for the life of me, not believe how this could ever change.

But, oh boy, I was so wrong. It started with small things, so small sometimes that you’d easily miss the red flags they brought with them. I remember thinking, “I’m just in my own head about things, I have nothing to worry about. How could you ever be able to hurt me?”

You started to plant these dark seeds into my mind. The time you had to tell me that “Jen and Harry have just been on this 5* all-inclusive holiday for 2 weeks in the Maldives eating lobster every day, can’t believe Jen has had 2 kids, she must work out all the time.” I then wished I could have a holiday like that, but I’ve had no kids, and I still don’t look like Jen in a bikini.

I couldn’t stop thinking about them, that their relationship must have been so amazing. I sat there, staring at you with this bitter feeling in my stomach, eating my shit dinner, twirling my spaghetti, with no lobster, dreaming of myself on their holiday. I wanted to be happy for them; instead, you made me feel jealous and wish my life was as good as Jen’s.

Do you remember telling me to get lip fillers and maybe a boob job because you thought it would make me feel better about myself? You made me believe that if I did this, bought expensive makeup (which I couldn’t afford), then I could change how I felt. I do still believe you were just trying to help me, in your way.

Every morning for years, I’d wake up, and before I could even have my coffee, you were shoving pictures of beautiful women in my face. That messed my mind up so much that it got to the point that it became so normal I actually wanted to see them each morning because I thought this was your way of motivating me to get the most out of my life.

Friends around me started talking about you, about who you really were, but I didn’t want to believe them. I continued to defend you; it was just too unreal. They said that you never really cared about how I felt, that all you tried to do was to make me dependent on you, make me addicted to the things you gave me, to use me, to eat up my happiness for your gain. And worst of all, that you were not doing this just to me.

My mother always told me, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. And that’s what you were. You knew exactly which buttons needed touching to make me fall in love with you. And then you abused me in the most sickening way, kept giving me just enough to make sure I would never leave you, but sucking all of the life out of me to the point of exhaustion. When I was at my lowest, you kept pushing me further down just because you could. All those days spent crying, sleepless nights. It got to the point I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t go anywhere without you by my side. I was so dependent on you. I would look in the mirror and couldn’t recognize myself; that was terrifying, and that’s when I realized that things needed to change. If I was ever to find true happiness in my life, it would never be with you.

I know deep down that I will never truly be able to break free from you. I can get rid of you for a while, but you will always be there, listening to my conversations, trying to peek into my dreams. Waiting, lurking outside the window in the dark. Hoping for me to hit a new low, thinking I will open the door to let you in. But I will never let you hurt me like that again.

It feels like I have to start over again now. Find new ways to express myself, be happy with myself and connect with my friends without needing you. But if there’s anything I’m grateful for in all of this, it’s that you showed me what it means to be a real person, a human because of all the things you might claim to be; you are not that.

Credits:

Jadina Li
Luca Turenhout
Produced by Maurice Schutte
Shot by Hugo Keijzer
Written by Jadina Li

'Moonlight' by Scott Buckley - released under CC-BY 4.0. www.scottbuckley.com.au